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the letter I will never send

Dearest former love of my life,

Consider this the letter I will never send your way. You may come across it some day, but I doubt it. It contains all the pain and anger I choose not to show you, because you forfeited that right.

You told me you were not happy, that I’d changed away from you. You decided for the both of us our lifegoals were different, eventhough you never asked me if it were true. You discussed the issues you were facing with another woman, fading further and further away from me. And growing ever closer to her.

For ten years we shared our life, a friend of fifteen+ years, reduced to nothing in a week. That’s how long it took you to replace me, all the while telling me, and maybe even yourself, she had nothing to do with this breakup. I do wonder if your really that naïve. Eitherway, your mother must be so proud of you. Do you even remember how mad you were at her for leaving your father the same way you are leaving me now?

Three times you sprung the dissolution of our contract on me and I couldn’t help but wonder why there was such a rush to it. But I understand now. It suits your conscience, being able to tell yourself our connection was severed before you fucked another in our home, in our bed.

It took a month for me to get this pissed off. I could live with you leaving me for being unhappy. I accepted the other woman, in part because my gut told me there was someone else. It would have happened eventually. But your choice to disrespect me the way you are now makes my blood boil.

You told me I am the one that had changed, but it is you I don’t recognize. And it is not just me you’re counting out, but some of our friends as well. It makes me really sad you feel the need to act out like this. I had thought you were more of a man.

Untill a couple of days back I believed I would always love you. You will forever have a place in my heart, but your recent choices make it easier for me to let go of the love and life I’ve lived for a decade. I can only be grateful for that.

Like I said before, I sincerely wish for you to be happy. It will hurt a while longer that I could not give that to you, but that is my demon to face. For my and our decades’ sake, I hope it is with the woman you left me for, so that this mess you’ve made will be more meaningful than just a whim.

Love,

The pieces of the woman you used to love

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the lie I have been living

It has been a week since the breakup. Yesterday, I had the intense urge to ask a question of which I feared the answer. Since I was home alone, I was not able to ask and not able to sleep, so I waited. The answer turned out to be as expected, my reaction surprised me.

Are you 200% sure you want to give up our life and future, because of a few crappy months? Do they really weigh out the years before?” 

Well, they apparently do. And probably because as it turned out we’re not talking about “a few crappy months”. He is convinced the feeling of unhappiness was there for a very long time, but he just realized it a few months. So who knows how long I’ve been living a lie.

Before he came home, I got tissues by hand and made sure I could go straight to the room I am sleeping in. However, the tears never came. I asked the question with dry eyes and reveived the answer with dry eyes. Back in my room I did not cry and for the first time since last week I slept untill my alarm woke me instead of hours before. Could this be the final piece of information leading to closure? Within a week!?

Who knows, maybe the crying will return later when I leave the house indefinate. Or when a new woman enters his life. Or maybe, this is just it.

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how intense heartbreak made me realise how strong I actually am

Last night, the former love of my life let me know he is unhappy in this relationship. He has been struggling with this by himself for the last couple of months and sees no positive way out of this. So the inevitable happened, we broke up. There was no fighting, no screaming, just tears and the dim realisation that the life we build over the past decade had come to an end. 

This immense grief feels similar to the death of my mother, almost six years ago. Back then I gathered as many people as possible around me, now I want just one and he made it clear he doesn’t want me. He said we’ve changed away from each other, something I see as a great strenght and accomplishment, because in this process we never tried to change each other. He just sees the immense gap.

We have changed, I know this to be true. The way I am now handeling this crappy situation proves just that. I feel some sort of rest and justification in the fact that he is unhappy and above all I don’t want him to be unhappy, especially not if I am the one making him feel that way. To me, it is a very legitimate reason to put an end to things.

Should he have talked to me sooner, let me know what he tried to solve on his own when it concerned the both of us? Yes, off course! Can I change that it happened this way? No, I can’t, so there is no point in screwing myself up over this.

I am writing this with dry eyes, having shed my share of tears already. However, I do not have the illusion I’m all cried out. Maybe this is a form of self preservation and I am just in denial while thinking I am handling this well. Who knows, time will tell.

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mantra 2.0: popmusic

Today’s society is all about finding and developing yourself. What you think you become, but unfortunately when thinking about ourselves these thoughts are all but positive. Many ancient cultures have known for thousands of years about the qualities of music and singing. Chanting of words, sentences or mantras are part of daily life for some people. In our modern Western culture however this is considered strange by most.

This does not mean music isn’t a big part of our daily lives, it is huge really. Because this is such a big part of our lives we know the lyrics to our favorite songs by heart. We sing, shout and scream along with the radio when the tunes we know so well are played. These songs are our mantra’s if we choose them well.

Todays biggest hit is without a doubt Ed Sheerans Shape of you. And while the lyrics are not completely relevant, a very powerful line is. So next time you’re in your car belching Eds lyrics, imagine telling yourself I am in love with the shape of you and I’m in love with your body. See what this does for your body image!

 

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ode to the wind

Thursday the first storm of this year hits The Netherlands. Winds up to 130 km/h along our coast are to be expected. I always love to drive out there and watch the wind hit the waves, crashing them over the pier. Somehow, I have always been a sucker for strong wind. A dream of mine is still to someday chase tornado’s Twister-style.

Wind often symbolizes change, out with the old in with the new. Unlike most people, I like change. Every so often I change the way our furniture is arranged in the living room, I change my hair or the side of the bed I sleep on. My love has learned to live with this quirk. However, like most people, I hate change that is not orchestrated by me.

Still, I love a good storm. It is not even because of the tranquility after a storm, which is almost as lovable. I really like the way the wind plays with my hair, hitting me unexpectedly, raging by me not caring about people or objects it encounters. If something is too fragile, it breaks and the wind caries it where it needs to go, having no choice in the matter. It is about letting go.

A heavy storm reminds me of the enormous power of nature and we should never forget to have a deep respect for her. Nature does what is needed, even if that means destruction. Everything is always changing and there is nothing we can do about it. Sometimes change comes slowly and almost unnoticed. Sometimes it hits you with 130 km/h. “A storm is coming (Mr. Wayne).”

 

 

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why I left Facebook

As you may have noticed, there is no link to my Facebook-page. The explanation for that is quite simple: I don’t have a Facebook-page. The thing is I used to have one, but shut it down in September 2015 just to see how it would feel. And although I have thought about going back, I never have. So it feels quite good actually!

The reason I shut it down was also fairly simple: I got really tired of all the negativity that filled my feed. As an empath and INFP these things really got to me and altered my mood. Combine that with the susceptibility to Social Media-addiction and you can imagine I got in a really bad spiral. So I cold-turkey cut it out and was just curious how far I could take it (this is basically the same way I cut out meat from my life a few years before).

Since I haven’t gone back to it, I can obviously take it pretty far. I have replaced the Social Media addiction however, with Instagram. I am a photographer myself and the negativity is much less (I guess nobody wants to show off bad pictures). This does not mean I do not know, realize or acknowledge that negativity exists! There is a reason I am vegan and I still have to meet the first vegan who does not realize what is wrong with this world. For most of us it is kind of the reason for going vegan.

So no, I am not in denial. I just choose to surround myself with prettier things, instead of the ugly ones. Life is to short to do otherwise.